Tonight, there is a place in my heart that is grieved sore with the pangs of anticipated emptiness that has come to full fruition. Love left it some years ago, and healing and restoration settled in where life left a void. When it was good and ready, excitement over the potential of new and fresh love brought with it butterflies and flutters in my stomach, but my heart was once more disappointed. This time, however, the disappointment wasn’t rooted in uneven yokes or a “first-love-first-marry” mindset. It swirled around flirtatious glances, second chances, and failed romances. It danced in and out of my life like the perfect gentleman it pretended to be, debonair as ever, smooth and light on his feet, and with an intensity and zeal for God that rivaled my own. This drew me in, but left me standing on the shores of uncertainty. I vowed to myself that I was done with disappointment; I no longer wanted to be his pawn in the chess game of life. I was through. Wasn’t I?
So why is disappointment knocking at my door once again? Who told him that welcomed his presence or wanted him around? Association with him brings exposure of the wounded heart in my soul and a mockery of the bittersweet truth that my love sought a life to be adjoined to.
So I cry. No, I moan. A deep, mournful groan wells up from the pit of my belly, mimicking a ship’s horn in sound, leaving salty traces of memories that never came to be.
Jesus answers my cries with my own question, “Why?” when He asks me why I don’t trust him.
Trust Him with the most sensitive organ in my whole body; pumping blood through my veins and reaching the heart of God faster than my silent tears ever could.
“Yes”, I can trust Him, He tells me, and that I should hold on. I can run on to see what the end is going to be. But I must believe Him. Believe that God can do the impossible. Believe that He can move mountains. Believe that He can mend the brokenness and heal the pain of my past.
I decide to take his word for it and let the healing process ensue. Expecting the unexpected is more of a challenge than I had anticipated. It’s okay, though. I know that my heart’s in good hands with Jesus, and that it can never be hurt or disappointed there. It’s in good hands there. I trust it there. I like it there.
Disappointment can’t find me there. Good, because I plan to part ways with disappointment and follow hope and success.
Maybe my new life will find me there.